| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2004|12:22 pm] |
Just got done with Friday classes and uhmn, DUR:
If that isn't the lamest (yet full of love and originality) online bday card that you receive, stick a fork in my arse and call me aunt sally.
I love you, darling. Happy Bday. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 26th, 2004|10:57 pm] |
maybe i will keep updating this... i dunno... im good at changing my mind.
am at college.
roomates = good.
we got a pet fish. named it pierre. it died because we didn't acclimate it with the water temp before pouring it in. am sad. spent 13 bux on it. must find new fish. name it pierre-the-second.
smoked hooka. yes, completely legal. fun buzz. then wooziness. must remember to smoke less.
some guy asked if "marine biology" was part of the engineering program. am amused.
oh and, just to join on this bandwagon a little late... new updating system? HELLO FUCK THIS. that will be all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2004|09:28 am] |
Hmmm... I am strongly considering shutting down this journal and Ophelia over at GJ.
Things just haven't been the same, lately, and there are still aspects of life I need to move on from.
Those of you I RP with? We'll obviously be staying in touch... the rest of you? I guess i'll see you online. If you aren't someone I usually talk with on AIM, but would like to keep in touch, just email me at that last addie I gave ya: under3xposed@hotmail.com.
This is just my way of completely wiping the slate clean. I have had my fill of crappiness online and I don't want ANYTHING to do with the people who have hurt me, or the people i've hurt. My attempts to make things better were shunned to pieces a while back and, to be quite frank, I don't want any reminders of broken friendships... I would rather forget all of it. Hell, I would rather have never met those people. For all of our sakes.
Those of you I keep in touch with? You know me well enough, you know what's been down... just don't ever mention it-- don't mention those people or anything related to them. Ever. And then we'll see if it's bearable like that. If not? Well, I guess no more online RPing for Jessica. :) I'll miss it muches, but i'm not going to put myself through personal hell in order to indulge in a hobby. I set up Entulesse so that you wouldn't need me, if that be the case, so don't worry. You'll all do well.
Much love for those of you still here, still with me, still with faith.
And for those of you who lack faith in me? ... WHY the fuck am I on your friends list? Why are you reading this journal? Get your nose out of my life. Oh wait, i'll do it for you. :D |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2004|04:20 pm] |
It's amazing how I can widdle away the day just sitting, listening to music, and thinking about... life. Moments. Days. Life for the past eighteen years.
There are recent events that i'd change, if I could, but when I look back far enough everything falls into place. I think that's how life is supposed to work. Eventually, these moments will make sense, too.
... I think?
I have this big plastic box i'm putting books etc. in and there's a sign on the lid with a picture to tell you "don't close your children in this box"... uhmn, that really worries me. Really. Worries. Me.
Though Maria Mena is a total teenage pop icon, I still enjoy her music. Catchy stuff. Must buy her CD for my little sister and then burn it for me. Mwahaha.
I hope you can forgive me for the time...
I put my hand between your legs and said it was small
'Cause it's really not at all
I guess there's just a part of me
That likes to bring you down just to keep you around
Because the day you find out how amazing you are
You're going to leave me.
I know i've done that with guys before... not EXACTLY that... but put them down to keep them around. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2004|10:32 am] |
Had some dental work done and, behold, Jessica reacts badly to local anesthesia when it is accidentally dripped down her throat (that stuff tastes like hell).
If only marijuana was legal, we could all go to our dental appointments stoned off our ass… we wouldn’t need dangerous anesthetics to numb the pain! Uhmn, hello safety. I’ll add that to my list of reasons-to-legalize-marijuana; #3965019650256. Eh hmm.
UCLA. Two days. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeefuckinge. This is one of those “bitches, watch me fly” moments. It’s also proof that NO, you don’t have to play the lameass academic game in order to get into a good college—I’m sure you all know *that* game… taking a thousand study courses for the SATs… taking the SATs themselves five times… kissing teacher ass and doing even the lamest of assignments… and everyone’s favorite: busy work. Hells no. Those of you still in high school? Enjoy it. Learn for yourself, not for the grade, -insert further inspirational guidance-, etc etc etc.
I found my “save water: shower together!” shirt, cut off the sleeves, and am now a very happy girl. Have been cleaning out my comp, changing all my email addies to journals, and organizing files.
… less luck with the closet though. <.< >.>
Oh and, psychofuckers? Maybe you're the product of a twisted social scene or maybe you're just chemically imbalanced... either way, help IS available. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 20th, 2004|10:52 am] |
I figured that this would be the best method of reaching everybody to say that my email address will be changing.
I was once jessica [at] remss.com, but that is no more. Now I am: under3xposed [at] hotmail.com :) Good good? Good.
That will be all. |
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| on a lighter note, and because i want to do this before i'm gone, if that happens: |
[Sep. 17th, 2004|10:09 am] |
Some parts are still under construction, but everything crucial is now up and running at Entulesse... come join if you're interested!
Brother against brother, Manwe and Melkor have suffered their last stand. The Dagor Dagorath, this last battle, has come to its end. Valinor is shaken, Arda is unmade. In one sense, it is the end, in another, the beginning. The gods have called upon the dwarves to build earth anew.
But what good is a world so empty?
Those who have proven their worth and earned the respect of the Valar are now brought forth to populate this new land and aid in its reconstruction. A complete yet empty city awaits the arrival of its new residents. Lying between the mountains and the sea, Entulessë, as it is called, will be the center of activity and safety in this unknown world. There is no telling what danger or beauty lies beyond its borders. Nor can it be foretold what will happen within those city walls.
Does love last through more than a lifetime? Does hate?
If given the second chance, what would you do?
* * * * * * * *
Your character will arrive in Entulessë with memory of their past life and knowledge, as gifted by the gods, of their present situation. From there, it is up to you to guide them as you will. For further info, check out the community info. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 17th, 2004|09:47 am] |
I know these symptoms... the aching rear abdominal... the fatigue... the hormonal shift causing an increase in acne...
Oh. MY. GOD. IF the Ovarian cyst came back I will simply...
Wait, there's nothing I CAN do. Isn't that fabulous. Nothing but have mom phone in an order of vicoden and wait it out in bed, hoping I don't lose so many fluids that I have to be hospitalized.
note to everyone: so yeah, if the cyst has returned and ruptured, the pain i'm feeling now will probably go through the same cycle: slowly get worse and then, after several days, slowly get better. i'll be sending you all much love from my bed.
... life? fair? uhmn, no. fuck you, fate. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2004|06:47 pm] |
Because there's all this controversy about the Pentagon strike, here's some food for thought, both countering the idea that it was not a plane:
http://www.whatreallyhappened.com/hunthoax.html
http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/august2004/110804factsstraight.htm
After having watched that video and reading some of the other stuff supporting the conspiracy theories, I have to say that I was unimpressed. The video, especially, was just chalked full of flash-factor and lacking in facts.
And hey, i'm the conspiracy theory queeeeen. Kennedy? SUCH a conspiracy. But all of this stuff is just a little too outlandish for my tastes.
Yup, those are my thoughts. :) Not necessarily right, just my opinions. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2004|09:21 am] |
Man oh man, I was up way too early today.
BUT, I did manage to set up Entulesse for a banner exchange, attempted journal graphics, failed at journal graphics, attempted banner graphics, was successful.
Now devising a grand plan to coerce Jill (yes you, jill) into joining formyownextraodrinarilyselfishreasons.
Mmm, sweetie, if you don't want to, don't feel pressured. I'm just being silly. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2004|08:43 am] |
Some of you non-FA muns expressed interest in taking a character over at Entulesse.
a link: http://www.greatestjournal.com/~entulesse
Very much under construction still. Not started yet. But has it's premise, etc. So, if you're still interested, could you comment to this journal telling me what character you'd want? Sankies.
Oh and... certain persons that I poked, are you at all interested in the idea?
aaaaaaaaaaaand and and and, because i cant stop, dude... RPing with these people I haven't gotten to RP with in soooo long. fucking awesome. why didn't i do this before? |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2004|08:45 pm] |
This is NOT a rhetorical question. Seriously, I need some help.
What would you do if one of your best friends just blocked you from AIM? Stopped answering your emails?
... when would you give up? Would you even try?
Answers, please. |
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| facebook |
[Sep. 13th, 2004|03:40 pm] |
If you go to one of the following schools:
American • Amherst • Auburn • Baylor • BC • Berkeley • Binghamton
Bowdoin • Brandeis • Brown • BU • Bucknell • Cal Poly • Caltech
Carnegie Mellon • Chicago • Colgate • Columbia • Cornell • Dartmouth
Duke • Emory • Florida • Florida State • Georgetown • Georgia • GWU • Hamilton
Harvard • Haverford • Howard • Illinois • Indiana • JMU
Johns Hopkins • Lehigh • Maine • Maryland • Mich Tech • Michigan
Michigan State • Middlebury • Mississippi • MIT • MU Ohio • Northeastern
Northwestern • Notre Dame • NYU • Oberlin • Oklahoma • Penn
Penn State • Pepperdine • Princeton • Reed • Rice • Rochester
Rutgers • Santa Clara • Simmons • Smith • South Florida • Stanford
Swarthmore • Syracuse • Temple • Tennessee • Texas • Texas A&M
Tufts • Tulane • UC Davis • UC Irvine • UC Riverside • UC Santa Cruz
UCF • UCLA • UConn • UCSB • UCSD • UMass (Amherst) • UNC • USC • USFCA
UVA • Vanderbilt • Vassar • Vermont • Villanova • Virginia Tech
Wake Forest • WashU • Wellesley • Wesleyan • William & Mary
Williams • Wisconsin • Yale
Go join thefacebook.com . It's a super awesome service. Tell me if you do. :)
Oh and, remember that "you can pity me" post before? Thank you guys. A little loving goes a long way. ... almost makes up for the thousands and thousands of dollars that this is gonna cost. x.x |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2004|02:59 pm] |
Car destroyed.
Self bruised.
Pride seeeeverely wounded. Not looking forward to discussion with father.
For now? Time to go to take a heavy aspirin dosage, pair it with some sleeping pills, and take a nice, long nap. Assuming that drugs will help me sleep, which is unlikely. But hey, the pain goes away, right?
Today you are SO allowed to pity me, even if the accident was my fault. Pity my stupidity. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2004|09:59 am] |
Uhmn, since so many of you offered to help with this new game dealie, could one or maybe two of you log in to all the non-munned journals and "join" the community with them? (Entulesse on GJ if you didn't catch the FA post) You can look through the Fourth Age userinfo's list of members to see the journals. It's a long task. Comment here if you're willing to help.
The passwords should all be either adopt or ***** (yes, five stars). If you have problems with one password, go to the section for forgotten passwords, type in the journal name and use jessica@remss.com as the email. I created almost all of those journals baaack in the day, so the password will get sent to me. Usually the problem is that a previous member just forgot to change the settings back.
I do believe our most recently departing members wish to keep their journals, though, so if you stumble across one that belongs to Chel, Ryss or Moz please just take note of the character journal needed and don't add it.
Anyone? |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2004|08:50 am] |
So this morning I posted to the whole FA group with the "idea". Only just now, so I don't know their reactions yet. I waited a while... tried to see if anymore "fixing" could be done but then realized probably not. And instead of working our asses off fixing something we didn't break, maybe it would be nicer to just start fresh anyways.
I'm actually looking forward to this. This change. It'll be a like a breath of fresh air. And stress-levels in a game the style we're considering? Waaaay lower. It'll be sort of... in between Canonballs and Fourth Age. Which might just be perfect. And there will be the chance to RP with people from so long ago... uhmn, hello yayness. I promise myself I wont be shy about it this time around, either, or get too pent up in having the perfect writing and characterization.
It really is theraputic to have something you want to work on. A vision. Hope. And I realized that people WILL be stealing dreams all the time, but it's not so hard to make new ones.
edit: oh and i was feeling so seriously alone for a long time. i realize im not. i realize i have you guys... i'm sorry i didn't notice before.
edit-the-second: and what's a great name for a city located between the sea and the mountains? uhmn... this is post-middle-earth-arda... after the dagor dagorath. FIRST real city. a beacon of reconstruction. something tolkienesque yet meaningful? dude, i've delt with original characters before, but never original locations! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 9th, 2004|09:16 am] |
So who would be interested in a simple, easy, less-rules, LotR RPG with a shitload of talented writers?
I'm totally going to poke some of you on my friends list. Some of you already soooort of poked me on GJ and you know what? I'm going to MAKE you join. I know I won't be running it alone, and I may not be running it at all, i'm just helping "build" it at the moment, if that makes sense. Hell, we don't even have an exact premise yet, but we do know its going to be open to all LotR and Silm characters and set in a single location so that there's oppertunity for everyone to interact whenever. And, hello, more casual. More of teh funneh. More of the whatever-you-want.
In the wake of destruction, there's only one thing to do: create. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 8th, 2004|04:30 pm] |
Life is strange. A waking contradiction. There’s all this beauty and joy smothered up against ugliness and pain. How does a sane person handle it?
My teddy bear, my golden retriever, is dying. I sat with him a long time, today, just petting him… he could barely breathe. The vet says he could be dead tomorrow or dead in a month, it all depends on whether his throat closes up and whether he can keep eating. I know it’s just a dog but… well, he’s worth more than any “thing” in the world, if you get what I mean.
And then Brylee, who at this point seems worth more than anyone, too. I don’t talk about him much… I barely talk about him at all. It never feels right… to discuss that. It barely feels right even now.
and as I stand here, screaming in despair, I say:
yes, this is my life
and yes, you should care
Mom has this growth on her skin… she promises she’ll go to the dermatologist, soon. In all the sickness and death it just got me so terrified. We’ve never had a conventional relationship but, in the end, it doesn’t matter. Terrified.
The loss of certain friends has weighed heavy, as well. It’s the only bad thing in my life right now that I feel as if I might be able to have some control over… even if I don’t. Sometimes I wonder if I try so hard to make up for everything else which I know I can do absolutely NOTHING about. I know that, when I fail in this area, everything else just seems even more futile.
… but there’s the beauty, too. There are people who are so wonderful to me… I didn’t even realize it until recently, until they started leaving for college. The same time I realized that I have no regrets about High School… shit, about life, really. The past eighteen years? I think I did well. Real well. And I’m in a place that I like right now… no, that I love. I mean, I have my doubts about UCLA but at the same time… wow. Just wow. I’m going off to college. I like my roommates (at least what I’ve seen of them) and there’s just going to be so much at a school like that. So many opportunities. And I’m chasing the dream, too. I’m chasing the dream and I’m chasing it hard. I mean, there’s a damn good chance I’ll fail but right now I’m on track. I don’t know if many people can say that about their lives.
I think that I often come across as eccentric and unhappy when people talk with me online… hell, even insane… but it’s not the case. Sometimes I wonder if it’s the people who work so hard to present an image of “sanity” and “level headedness” who are really in trouble.
So… am I supposed to cry? Smile? Laugh? Yell? I guess all of it. At once. That’s life. That’s poetry. That’s art. That’s everything. That’s what I’m doing. So, kids, if I come across as bipolar or generally mad, just remember where I’m coming from. |
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| when there's a stampede... |
[Sep. 8th, 2004|01:42 pm] |
thank you, ani:
you think I wouldn't have him
unless I could have him by the balls
you think I just dish it out
you don't think I take it at all
you think I am stronger
you think I walk taller than the rest
you think I'm usually wearing the pants
just 'cause I rarely wear a dress
well...
when you look at me
you see my purpose,
see my pride
you think I just saddle up my anger
and ride and ride and ride
you think I stand so firm
you think I sit so high on my trusty steed
let me tell you
I'm usually face down on the ground
when there's a stampede
I'm no heroine
at least, not last time I checked
I'm too easy to roll over
I'm too easy to wreck
I just write about
what I should have done
I just sing
what I wish I could say
and hope somewhere
some woman hears my music
and it helps her through her day
'cause some guy designed
these shoes I use to walk around
some big man's business turns a profit
every time I lay my money down
some guy designed the room I'm standing in
another built it with his own tools
who says I like right angles?
these are not my laws
there are not my rules
I'm no heroine
I still answer to the other half of the race
I don't fool myself
like I fool you
I don't have the power
we just don't run this place |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 8th, 2004|11:08 am] |
I don’t know what the honest me is, anymore. Maybe I’m not just one person… maybe I’m a thousand people all crammed up in one head. That sounds crazy. Maybe I’m crazy.
Whoever… whatever I am… the pieces of me completely conflict. There are two main ones, I guess, with their goods and bads. There’s the angry, proud, strong me. She doesn’t take shit, she speaks her mind, she knows she’s worth the world and then some. But at the same time, she pushes people away and hurts them. Then, there’s the sad, weak, acquiescent me. She cries more than she yells and all she wants is a little peace, even at the expense of her own well being. She’s pathetic, at times, and sweet at others.
The first me doesn’t believe a word of the "bullshit" out there, the second me knows it’s true.
Which do I listen to?
when it came to you,
i fucked up just being me
but i'm not saying i'm sorry
cause baby, i'm just not.
so i'm hurting now,
bleeding for every lie
oh, i swallowed a barrel of them whole
and didn't even bother to burp
when it comes to you,
my heart aint breaking, baby,
it's crumbling
and what i wouldn't give for a broom
and a dustpan
and a one-way ticket straight out of my mind
* * *
i spent a summer
holding on to
popsicle sticks and purples
like walking backwards on the railroad track
retracing the steps to dawn
a thousand miles away,
beneath an eggyolk sunset,
he's rereading the words i wrote
before i knew i had a voice
but we're growing up now,
aren't we?
growing out
of rusty knees and ragged jeans
and opinions that stand without a cause
growing in to imperfection
and softer shades of light
and a memory book forgets your name
but never your smile
and a photo sticks like softserve every time i flip the page
reminding me,
i never order sprinkles anymore
we're growing out of silver-screen pretending
(i'll be that girl
you'll be that boy)
growing out of what-would-be, what-has-been,
and into present tense |
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