||[Sep. 8th, 2004|04:30 pm]
Life is strange. A waking contradiction. There’s all this beauty and joy smothered up against ugliness and pain. How does a sane person handle it?|
My teddy bear, my golden retriever, is dying. I sat with him a long time, today, just petting him… he could barely breathe. The vet says he could be dead tomorrow or dead in a month, it all depends on whether his throat closes up and whether he can keep eating. I know it’s just a dog but… well, he’s worth more than any “thing” in the world, if you get what I mean.
And then Brylee, who at this point seems worth more than anyone, too. I don’t talk about him much… I barely talk about him at all. It never feels right… to discuss that. It barely feels right even now.
and as I stand here, screaming in despair, I say:
yes, this is my life
and yes, you should care
Mom has this growth on her skin… she promises she’ll go to the dermatologist, soon. In all the sickness and death it just got me so terrified. We’ve never had a conventional relationship but, in the end, it doesn’t matter. Terrified.
The loss of certain friends has weighed heavy, as well. It’s the only bad thing in my life right now that I feel as if I might be able to have some control over… even if I don’t. Sometimes I wonder if I try so hard to make up for everything else which I know I can do absolutely NOTHING about. I know that, when I fail in this area, everything else just seems even more futile.
… but there’s the beauty, too. There are people who are so wonderful to me… I didn’t even realize it until recently, until they started leaving for college. The same time I realized that I have no regrets about High School… shit, about life, really. The past eighteen years? I think I did well. Real well. And I’m in a place that I like right now… no, that I love. I mean, I have my doubts about UCLA but at the same time… wow. Just wow. I’m going off to college. I like my roommates (at least what I’ve seen of them) and there’s just going to be so much at a school like that. So many opportunities. And I’m chasing the dream, too. I’m chasing the dream and I’m chasing it hard. I mean, there’s a damn good chance I’ll fail but right now I’m on track. I don’t know if many people can say that about their lives.
I think that I often come across as eccentric and unhappy when people talk with me online… hell, even insane… but it’s not the case. Sometimes I wonder if it’s the people who work so hard to present an image of “sanity” and “level headedness” who are really in trouble.
So… am I supposed to cry? Smile? Laugh? Yell? I guess all of it. At once. That’s life. That’s poetry. That’s art. That’s everything. That’s what I’m doing. So, kids, if I come across as bipolar or generally mad, just remember where I’m coming from.